Peer pressure is a tough thing to deal with. These people...they're everywhere I go, in every direction I turn. Scowling at me. They know I haven't done it yet, and I feel so ashamed. What's a girl to do? So...I caved.
I watched Twilight.
Yes, the brooding faces of Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson gracing the cover of every magazine in sight finally got to me. I'll admit, I was in two minds about giving away my precious Twilight virginity. I was just so curious. What's it like? Will it be painful? Is the first movie The One, or should I wait until its sexy brother New Moon comes to town tomorrow? I wanted so desperately not to be a follower, to just revel in the fact that I haven't popped that disc into my DVD player. After all, I don't mind being different. Just a couple of hours ago, I was able to say with pride, "No, I haven't seen Twilight, and I'm alright with that." Damn my curiosity, I say. Damn it to hell!
Since I was going to do it anyway, I thought I'd share my first time with you all. Yes, my first time is ending up on the Internet. It's every girl's nightmare. It feels a little dirty, but here goes nothing.
Without further ado, I present to you my Notes on a Twilight, aka anything that popped into my head while I was doing the deed. I've time-stamped it and everything, so if you're one of those Twi-hards I keep hearing so much about, whack on your copy and follow along with me. *Deep breaths* Are you ready? Let's get down to business.
(Get comfy, though, because this might take a while. I even had to decrease the font size for this shit.)
0:00 -- I'm definitely going to do it now. Whew. Alright. Press play, Lo, you know you want to. Come on.
0:01 -- Oh boy, it's starting! This is going to be bad, I can tell already.
1:20 -- Kristen Stewart (aka that manly chick from Panic Room) is from Arizona. She likes cactuses. And she doesn't look so manly anymore.
2:21 -- Forks, Washington, actually looks like a nice place to live. My kind of town.
3:00 -- How did Kristen manage to bring that cactus onto a plane? Airports in Arizona will check your shoes for weapons but not your hand to see whether or not you're carrying a sharp plant?
4:30 -- Jacob the werewolf guy has longer hair than he does in all the magazines. It ain't a good look.
6:00-8:20 -- Who the hell is this popular when they first move to a new school? The only time that happens is in primary school, and that's because pre-pubescent children are too stupid to care that you're different and weird.
9:31 -- Kristen's creepy Single White Female-esque friend says Robert Pattinson doesn't date high school girls. *Cough*closet gay*cough*.
10:06 -- Robert is really not attractive at all. I'm sorry, ladies, but I don't see it. He looks like someone repeatedly punched John Mayer's face in.
15:12 -- If Cop Dad had watched even one episode of Buffy, he'd realise that wild animals don't suck human blood from the neck. Seriously. It's that easy to be a police officer in Forks.
15:12 and a half -- By the way, Forks is a retarded name for a town.
16:40 -- Kristen and Robert have absolutely no chemistry. I don't know how this could be, considering they're dating in real life.
20:25 -- Moving vans driven by token black guys are no match for sheer vampiric strength.
25:40 -- White Guy Friend is seriously asking Kristen to the prom? Seriously? How long has he known her?
26:40 -- I bet Robert spend half the night Googling 'reasons why one could possibly have super-strength besides being a vampire' before he got to the adrenalin rush theory.
27:05 -- Guess what, Single White Female Friend? White Guy Friend did ask Bella to the prom, but she turned him down! Somehow I get the feeling that this would only make him more appealing to Single White Female Friend.
28:27 -- Robert to Kristen: "Bella, we really shouldn't be friends." You know what, Robert? I wholeheartedly agree. You guys seem to really hate each other, no matter how hard you try to convince me with your top-notch 'longing look' acting.
29:50 -- Seriously? You're going to give me another pointless Kristen/Robert scene? I hate these two people together more than I can say. Asian Guy Friend looks kinda pissed...don't tell me he likes her, too. By the way, at no point does Kristin even pretend to like her new friends, so they might wanna think about not inviting her places anymore.
33:00 -- Ugh, the warewolf dude is trying to warn Kristen away from the vampires. Gee, pot, you're looking really black tonight. Must be the light, or the fact that the kettle's not the only other-worldly killing machine in town.
34:34 -- Random vampire about to kill someone: "Let's not play with our food." Congratulations, scriptwriters. Way to steal that pun from every single vampire movie/TV show that ever came before this one. Clap clap to you.
36:47 -- Kristen, when weird creepy shit keeps happening to you, don't wander off by yourself. Honestly. That can only end badly for you.
37:30 -- Okay, so this is a movie about vampires, yeah? So Stephanie Meyer sits down and says, 'Hey, Kristen needs to be in danger so Robert can save her and she can swoon over him, right? So what should attack her? Werewolf? Poltergeist? A creepy gremlin of some kind? Hmm, no, let's just go with a couple of gang-rapists.' Way to milk that fantasy genre for all it's worth, genius.
38:35 -- Apparently Edward can read rapists' minds. I doubt that skill would come in handy too often.
39:13 -- So Kristen ditches her friends to hang out with a boy without even calling them, and they don't care? I mean, I know she nearly got gang-raped. Robert knows it, too. But her friends don't know that. And they're cool with being dumped? These girls are really sad and pathetic. Just what did they do for shits and giggles before this chick came to town?
39:27 -- I'm slightly attracted to Robert Pattinson right now. Maybe it's just because he cares so much about feeding Kristen, but he's okay by me for now.
39:40 -- Officially over my Robert attraction.
40:36 -- Robert gives Kristin some answers: "Yes, no, to get to the other side." This is actually funny. Robert, don't make me have to like you again.
41:43 -- People in Port Angeles restaurants think of three things: money, sex and cats. No wait, just cat singular. Weird. What's even weirder is that Robert's just told Kristen he can read minds, and she acts completely nonchalant about it. Are you sure about that, Kristin? The weird pale guy who's just admitted to stalking you tells you he's telepathic, and you're like, "Neato, what's for dessert? Oh that's right, you don't eat. But I still don't see anything wrong with this picture."
45:27 -- Who needs that many paper clips at the ready?
46:28 -- Oh, so you've worked it out now, have you, Kristin? Robert the pale, telepathic, stalking, eye-colour changing, sunlight-hating, wannabe rapist-head-ripper-offing might, just might, be a vampire? Didn't the warewolf warn you about that shit like fifteen minutes ago?
48:00 until what seems like the end of time -- This whole vampire confession scene is way too long, and the camera angles are making me feel queasy. Is it supposed to be arty or something? Because it's really not.
50:16 -- Robert's all sparkly! I love sparkly stuff! Wow, Robert, you just keep getting cooler and cooler.
51:00 -- Robert's whole I'm-a-killer speech is actually kinda hot.
51: 06 -- "As if you could outrun me! As if you could fight me off!" You know, Robert, for someone who claims to hate rapists, you're really beginning to sound like one.
52:57 -- Kristen decides she's afraid now. Not when Robert's ripping trees straight out of the ground or fucking flying, but when he stands perfectly still, brooding a little. Ugh, Kristen. Please.
54:00 -- No! Not another forest scene! I'm so sick of this goddam forest! Get the fuck out of there now!
55:58 -- Okay, this whole Robert-flaunting-his-new-girlfriend-whil
56:10 -- Actually, this scene is reminding me of the one in Walk the Line where Johnny and June go to church. Maybe it's just the wayfarers.
56:50 -- Let me see if I can make sense of this. Daddy Vampire is a doctor who 'turns' critically ill patients so they can live forever. But only if they're teenagers. Doesn't anyone else think that's a little off? The lesson here, in case you're wondering, is don't trust blonde-haired doctors who tell you that they can 'cure' your Spanish influenza.
57:30 -- So Daddy Vamp's peculiar little teenage vampire family doesn't eat humans. Vampires with souls? Again? If we've learned anything from Buffy and Angel, it's that this really only works in theory.
58:06 -- Robert: "It wouldn't be like drinking your blood, for instance." Not that he wants to scare her or anything.
59:12 -- "So you're worried not because you'll be in a house full of vampires, but because they think they won't approve of you?" Thank you, Robert, for finally pointing out how scarily out-of-whack Kristen's priorities are.
59:40 -- I wonder who would win in a fight between a warewolf and a vampire. One would think it'd be a vampire, since Daddy Vamp's clan live pretty comfortably off hunting wild animals...unless these Indian guys turn into the Teen Wolf sort of warewolves. I'm sure Teen Wolves would be able to hold their own. After all, they're inexplicably good at basketball, so why not fighting?
59:41 -- All this talk of warewolves has put 'Werewolf Bar Mitzvuh' in my head. (Spooky! Scary!) Thank you very much, 30 Rock.
1:00:58 -- Why would seven vampires live in a four-storey house with absolutely no curtains? Surely people would see them sparkling in the sun a mile off.
1:00:59 -- And even though I'm not a vampire, but I still dig a little privacy every now and then. Curtains are just convenient, y'all. I'd seriously consider investing in some.
1:02:00 -- Call me soft-hearted, but I think it's really cute that the bloodsucking vampires are going to such great lengths to impress Kristen with their culinary skills. And I like how that Emmett guy's decided to cook Italian because she has an Italian-sounding name. He's totally my favourite so far. (And he's only had one line!)
1:02:16 -- Even the fact that Mama Vamp is that faceless woman from Grey's Anatomy can't distract me from Emmett waving at Bella with a ridiculously large knife in his hand. I wonder if that was deliberate or not. Either way, it's just made me like him even more.
1:02:31 -- That blonde vampiress (aka Evie from Thirteen) may be a bitch, but those shoes she's wearing are freakin' sweet.
1:02:50 -- Kristen: "I would never tell anybody anything." Of course not, Kristin. You've just found out that a hoarde of vampires is living in your town, going to school with a whole bunch of kids they'd rather eat than socialise with. Why would you tell anyone about that? It's a much better idea to go 'round to their pad for some Italiano.
1:03:03 -- Kristen: "If this ends badly...as in, I become a meal." How is that a laughing matter? You're pretty much saying that you're fine with the possibility that YOUR BOYFRIEND COULD VERY WELL EAT YOU!
1:03:30 -- Even the borderline-retarded brunette vampiress wants be Kristen's friend. Seriously, what is this?!
1:06:20 -- Kristen tells Robert she can't dance, and his response is, "Well, I could always make you." Here comes the serial rapist vibe again. He's one step away from pulling out a pistol and shooting at her feet, yelling, "Dance, human, dance!"
1:06:33 -- It looks like the art department has actually gone back in time to put these special effects together.
1:08:00 -- Why are we suddenly in some sort of music video where Robert's playing the piano? What's going on? Where am I? Mummy, I'm scared.
1:12:00 -- The lead-up to the first Robert/Kristen kiss lasts 27 seconds. Literally, 27 seconds. Fucking hell, just kiss already! I don't even like you two as a couple, but I want this to end now!
1:13:11 -- No vampire sex for you, Kristin!
1:13:12 -- I don't think it really needs to be said that this scene is pretty much lifted straight from the Buffy/Angel sexy-time-gone-bad story arc, but I'm gonna say it anyway.
1:15:30 -- The vampires are actually going to play baseball? Really? Like...really really? That's kinda nonsensical, but okay.
1:15:45 -- Robert: "There's a thunderstorm coming, it's the only time we can play." Right, because otherwise the idea of vampire baseball would be stupid.
1:16:30 -- Kristen: "Okay, now I can see why you need the thunder." I must be a slow learner, because I still don't.
1:17:50 -- This vampire baseball montage has been going on entirely too long. The only saving grace is the film's brilliant use of Muse's 'Supermassive Black Holes'.
1:18:08 -- Here come the human-eating vampires. Robert is apparently unhappy with this turn of events. He's engaging in some serious smell-the-fart acting.
1:18:42 -- Holy old-school TV series callback, Batman! The ponytailed human-eating vampire is Volchok from The OC! I miss that show. In fact, I wish I was watching it right now.
1:19:37 -- All these close-ups of their eyes are getting boring. The bad vampires have red eyes; the others don't. We get it. I think I'm seeing a bit of homoerotic lust between Robert and Volchok, though, which is a little unnerving.
1:20:20 -- Shazam! Volchok can smell Kristen's humanness. Does this mean the film will finally get interesting? (I'm gonna hazard a guess and say probably not.)
1:20:35 -- That is seriously the lamest-looking vampire standoff ever. Nobody looks threatening. The vegeterian vamps are wearing fucking baseball uniforms, for God's sakes!
1:20:43 --No, really, they all look so ridiculous that mere words cannot express it. I have to screencap it for you so you can see for yourself.
1:21:41 -- Along with would-be rapists and cat lovers, Robert can also read the minds of predatory vampires.
1:21:50 -- Robert would like to (and I quote) "rip him apart and burn the pieces." How oddly specific. So much for Robert's 'gentle vampire' reputation.
1:24:12 -- Look, Cop Dad, I know your teenage daughter's being a real bitch to you right now (I hear they can get like that sometimes), but I just have to tell you how fucking stupid I think it is that you're letting her leave in the middle of the night to drive halfway across the country when you know for a fact that there's at least one brutal serial killer out there going through all the townspeople like Kleenexes.
1:24:41 -- While we're on the subject of dumb things to do, it seems like a pretty bad idea to switch drivers while you're speeding away from the town, too. Just because you're immortal, Robert, doesn't mean Kristen is.
1:25:09 -- Crouching on the roof of a moving vehicle would also fall into the 'bad ideas' category, but it's awesome Emmett, which makes it okay.
1:25:15 -- Hee! Kristen's getting a full-on vampire convoy on her way out of Forks!
1:25:39 -- The leader of the human-killing vampires actually comes to warn them about Volchok? Come on, dude! You're evil! Run with it!
1:26:09 -- Emmett: "We'll tear him apart and burn the pieces." Holy God, what is with these people and burning vampire limbs? Honestly, this obsession is going to a really strange place now.
1:26:23 -- The vamps are still wearing their baseball gear. Just to add to all the lameness.
1:27:21 -- God, you guys. You're frickin' teenagers, okay? Stop with the whole 'you're my everything' bullshit.
1:30:18 -- Volchok's seriously the only badass vampire in this whole movie. First he devotes all his time to tracking down Kristen, then he kidnaps her mother? This just got...dare I say it...interesting?
1:31:37 -- Kristen, are you actually trying to arm yourself against a vampire with pepper spray? Because if you are, I can't even begin to describe to you how ludicrous that is.
1:32:55 -- Whoah, whoah, whoah, hold on a second. Volchok is actually planning to tape himself killing Kristen and then send it to Robert to drive him crazy? That is seriously the most awesome thing I think I've ever heard. This guy fucking rules.
1:33:36 -- As predicted, the pepper spray does nothing but get homeboy's eyebrows a little damp.
1:34:01 -- Despite just breaking Kristen's leg with one hand, Volchok seems to be much more interested in making sure Robert avenges her death. Methinks I was right about the homoeroticism. Not that there's anything wrong with that, of course. Doesn't make Volchok any less awesome, or Robert any less stupid.
1:35:00 -- Granted, I'm not a vampire, but isn't it generally accepted that they suck blood from the neck and not the wrist? Perhaps someone should give this guy an anatomy lesson or two.
1:35:26 -- Okay, now Robert and Volchok are just howling at each other. There is no reason why this shot should be going on for as long as it is. I'm starting to get uncomfortable, like I'm watching something I shouldn't be.
1:35:30 -- So let me just get this straight: while Mormon fantasy authors are strictly no-sex-before-marraige kind of people (and are fine with using vampires as vehicles for this kind of propaganda), having dudes bite chunks out of each others' necks is perfectly legit?
1:36:08 -- Did I just hear the words, "Start the fire?"
1:36:11 -- Yes, yes I did.
1:36:15 -- Holy shit, they're actually doing it. They're actually tearing him apart and burning the pieces. It's not just an empty threat. Wow. Just wow.
1:36:40 -- Just realised that the whole vampire dismemberment thing is a callback to when Kristen was researching vampires in her room about 48 minutes in. (See entry about excessive paper clips.) I guess that means these vamps originate from Peru, then. I don't know when that tidbit of information will ever come in handy, but it just might. Hold on to it and thank me later.
1:36:58 -- Emmett is now doing the majority of the Volchok limb-removal. I don't know who I should be rooting for here. I'm torn. (Excuse the pun.)
1:37:10 -- Hey, Daddy Vamp? If you're so worried that Robert's not emotionally mature enough to be able to stop sucking Kristen's arm once all the venom's out, why don't you do it? Just putting it out there.
1:38:08 -- How in perfect hell has this movie become so popular? And also, when will it end?
1:39:15 -- Even after Kristen came home after supposedly breaking up with her creeper of a boyfriend while having a full-on breakdown and talking about how she needs to run away, Cop Dad actually believes Robert's story that Kristen got her injuries by falling down the stairs? WHY WOULD HE BELIEVE THAT? WHY??
1:39:15 and a half -- I mean, come on! She has motherfucking bite marks on her arm! How did Robert explain that one away?!
1:40:58 -- Proof that Kristen Stewart needs some serious acting lessons. When Robert tells her she should go to Jacksonville, her reaction is as follows: "What? No - are you ser- no! No! How - I don't even know what you're say- how - w- what are you - what are you talking about? You - you want me to go away, I - I - I can't - no! I can't - I can't just leave you - I--" Fragmented sentences are a very powerful acting tool, Kristen, when used sparingly.
1:42:20 -- Cop Dad, are you honestly going to let your daughter go to the prom with Robert? All signs point to him being an abusive girlfriend-beater. Fucking Chris Brown looked less guilty.
1:43:42 -- The warewolf came all the way to another school's prom just to tell Kristin that his father wants her to break up with her boyfriend? I do find it strange that a warewolf father is exhibiting better parenting skills over Kristen than her own dad.
1:44:36 -- Oh my God, is this movie seriously not over yet? Jesus Christ.
1:45:38 -- Hey Robert? Didn't Kristen tell you before that she couldn't dance? Keeping in mind that she now has a broken leg, I daresay now's not a good time to teach her.
1:49:08 -- Look at that, Volchok's human-killing vampire girlfriend went to the prom as well. That's a strange and ridiculous twist. She apparently is not all too pleased with Robert and his family tearing her boyfriend limb from limb and then throwing him on the fire.
1:49:20 -- Are those credits I spy? Is the movie really over, or am I just dreaming this? Oh, it is! Thank you, Jebus!
So there you have it. My very first Twilight experience, in all its glory. And you know what? I kind-of wished I hadn't seen it. Perhaps if it had been worth it, I might've forgiven myself for being so easily-led, but it really wasn't. There is no good reason why this has become such a phenomenon. And as God as my witness, I promise you I won't make you sit through any notes on New Moon. You can trust me on that one.
10. Your bedroom is always approximately six degrees warmer than the rest of the house. Unless it's winter, of course, in which case it's six degrees colder.
9. Whenever you buy/rent a DVD, that movie will be on TV within the next fortnight.
8. Everyone looks fantastic in that group photo except for you.
7. That dress you couldn't afford for your 20th birthday party will be on sale three days after the event.
6. People only ever call you when you've forgotten to turn your phone off the silent profile.
5. Nothing ever happens on Home and Away until you forget to watch it one night.
4. Clear nail polish never spills on the carpet, and yet somehow the red bottle never manages to stay upright.
3. The bus is the slowest mode of transportation the world has ever seen, except when you're running after it.
2. If you drop your toast, it will always hit the floor buttered-side down. (On second thought, that might be one of Newton's laws. Must check.)
1. When mindlessly watching the races at work, the horsie you go for will always place...unless you actually have money on it -- damn you, Allez Wonder! Damn you straight to hell!
The 2 Awesome Confectionary Items That Have Hidden Flaws
What a great invention. It tastes good enough for it to be considered junk food, but with the added bonus of legumes. Despite being the thinker's candy, there's one black mark on the peanut M&M report card -- that thin, disgusting layer of I-don't-want-to-know-what over the peanut. Yes, you get it in regular nuts as well, but seriously -- the Mars people are well-respected members of a world-famous company. They can put a peanut in a pool of chocolate contained in a candied shell but they can't get rid of that nut-bastardiser that tastes like tree bark? Try harder.
You know what I'm talking about. The not-perfectly-round, pastel-coloured fizzy-coated lollies you get at the cimea candy bar. Those tiny little balls of excitement are simply irresistable...until you've sucked all the sherbert off the little bitch and all that's left is the hard, tasteless lolly that you simply can't get rid of, no matter how hard you try. Mr. Wonka, I don't mean to alarm you, but the fizzoe-makers have your Everlasting Gobstopper recipe and are using it for pure evil.
Well actually, this is my first, but I anticipate more to come, so I'm just getting a jump on things.
Today's Random Review:
Let's break it down -- Ryan Reynolds + a camera = fine holiday fun. We've known that since the Two Guys, A Girl and a Pizza Place days. It's just common knowlede. Whack in Sandra Bullock, and it could go anywhere. Add Betty White, and we're back on track. (The girl is golden, haven't you heard?) Oh, and Mary Steenburgen's in it too -- and she got to do a movie with Leo DiCaprio AND Johnny Depp, so I totally hate/majorly love her. And one more thing you need to know: it's a chick flick. It's predictable. You know exactly how it's going to end, so if you're looking to be surprised, just stay home.
This movie was good. It was fun. At one point, Ryan Reynolds was nekkid. And for you gents out there, so was the Bullock. The Proposal ain't gonna be winning any Oscars, let's just put that out there. But if you're in the right mood with the right bunch of friends eating the right snacks (the latter is extremely important), it really is a warm, feel-good flick. I felt good.
Now I have to say, I saw it with a couple of old friends, and we were the annoying people in the cinema. I'm sorry, but we were. Usually we're not, but for some reason, we were all a bit hyperactive. We talked. (In hushed voices, if that counts for anything.) We had snacks out the yin-yang. We had bottles of soft drink and plastic cups, which we so shouldn't have had but in the words of the late Michael Jackson, we're bad. It was awful. We even stayed in the cinema long after the movie ended, until a Hoyts employee actually came up to us and showed us the door. She even waited for us to finish our conversation before kicking us out, which is decent...but seriously, grow some balls. This is the movie industry, you've gotta be tough-as-nails. If there are three chicks up the back snacking on Tim Tams and drinking red lemonade out of contraband plastic cups ten minutes after the end credits have finished, kick those bitches OWT!
But before you condemn me to hell for (hushed) talking and generally being annoying, let me make a few things clear. We did NOT have our mobile phones on -- that's just obnoxious, we wouldn't dare do that. Secondly, we went to the a 9:20 screening, with a whole lot of couples who were too busy making out to even be watching the movie. There were a couple of families, but I think any parent who takes their kid to a 9:20 movie does not get to tell ME what to do. Plus, the little kid in front of me wouldn't sit still and her chair was creaking, so her opinion counts for nothing in my mind. And lastly...well, my friends and I are pretty, so it's okay.
So let's wrap up this review (at least, that's how it started) the only way I know how -- simply.
BEST BIT: Sandra Bullock and a fish hours d'ouevre. Lordy, that was funny.
WORST BIT: Any bit with Malin Akerman's stupid character. Seriously, she was so pointless.
STICK AROUND FOR THE CREDITS? Yes. There were a few clips of Margaret and Andrew's immigration interviews that are definitely worth waiting for. Ryan Reynolds paying out a secretary named Laura takes the cake.
RATING: A solid three stars. Bring your friends, and your plastic cups.
Firstly, my random quote of the day: "Give a girl the right pair of shoes, and she can conquer the world." Marilyn Monroe.
Wise words indeed.
Okay, so I'm writing a blog I'm pretty sure no one will ever read. Why would they? I'm not famous. I don't have enough (read into that: any) blog-savvy friends to pretend like I'm interesting enough to warrant following. So what's a girl to do when she doesn't crack the bloggiverse? (It's a word; Google it.) Delete her account? Hells no, it took way to long to set up. Just stop writing? Hells no, you can't keep creativity down. The answer is, you keep this shit going. Because why not? Who am I hurting?
It's actually strangely comforting to know that nobody reads your blog. You can say whatever you want. You can make spelling mistake after spelling mistake and nobody cares. (Having said that, I don't make spelling mistakes. That's for grammatical invalids. I just meant that I could if I wanted to. But I don't.) I can rabbit on for as long as I want about Days Of Our Lives, or detail that crazy dream I had last night without putting up with the I'm-so-not-interested looks you inevitably get when you detail crazy dreams, seeing as how there's nothing more boring than other people's crazy dreams. (I know this, but I do it anyway. Does that make me a bad person?)
A wise person once said that a blog is like a public diary. (To be honest, it was me who just said that. But it's a pretty obvious statement, so I doubt I'm the first person ever to write those words.) You let your troubles out, in a public domain, for other people to comment on. That's actually a really shit idea. I'm sorry, but it is. It's a bit attention-seeky, isn't it? Isn't the idea of a diary to keep your innermost secret thoughts in? I've watched enough episodes of Full House and read enough Sweet Valley High to know that people reading your diary is, like, the most mortifying thing ever. Ever. And here I am on a website that specialises in doing just that. Welcome to the future, I suppose. Technology...it would've made those Sweet Valley High books a lot more interesting.
I'm not talking about the death kind of loss, although death can be a bummer. I'm not even talking about losing at something, even though if you've read my About Me section, you probably know I'm not too fond of that, either. No, I'm talking about losing items -- more specifically, items with sentimental value you didn't even realise they had before you lost it.
I'm going to tell you a story. (Strap yourself in.) For my eighteenth birthday a few years ago, my girlfriends bought me a whole bunch of cool stuff, including this tiny little Irish shotglass, which looked something like this:
Actually, it looked nothing like this, but okay.
Now since I'm a gal who likes the drink, this is a pretty fitting gift from my laydeez. (As they will now be known.) And boy did I enjoy a drinkie or two with my new favourite shottie. The next month, I graduated from high school -- and after years of watching Grease was pretty disappointed that there was no carnival, nor did we leave in a flying car. But I digress.
So you've graduated from high school. What's next? Schoolies, of course -- an entire week of beach, boys and booze! We were amped, and I brought Irish Shottie because I knew I'd be using it quite a bit.
One night (it was a Thursday, but that's of very little importance), we were sitting outside our friends' tent, playing a game we like to call Eleven Before One, which is pretty self-explanatory -- eleven drinks before one. And yeah, I know, it's pretty weak, but I'm a tiny little woman -- after about three drinks, there's more alcohol than blood in me. Considering Eleven Before One is pretty much a challenge, I needed to take up that challenge and win, dammit! So Jager shots (with Irish Shottie, of course) happened. And then they happened some more, and some more, until eventually (as my laydeez tell me) I fell backwards off my chair (and nearly off the hill we were situated on) and pretty much gave myself a minor bout of alcohol posioning. Clap clap to me.
It took a call to one of my laydeez's mother (who's a nurse, and a damned fine one at that), throwing up eight times in various locations, gallons of water and being woken up every half an hour for rehydrating to keep me from dying. That's my laydeez for ya -- always cool in a crisis. Yeah, so in the past two months I'm talking about, they saved my life and bought me the world's coolest shotglass. I frickin' love these bitches.
The next morning I woke up (I wasn't even hungover or anything, but I did feel a touch queasy) and I realised I'd left Irish Shottie at the boys' campsite. Except when I went back there, I couldn't find it. And believe me, I looked. I even made one of the boys rummage through a nearby bin in case someone had cleared it away with the rubbish, but alas, Irish Shottie was gone. I never did find it, but I assume it must've been stolen by the same party that had taken one guy's camera, and the boys' pancake mix. (True story.)
I'll never forget Irish Shottie. I'd only had it for less than two months, but it meant the world to me. It had war stories to tell, it had memories attached to it. Thankfully on that trip, we headed down to the gift shop and found a replacement shottie, which not only reminds me of the big Schoolies fun, but I think there's a little bit of Irish Shottie in it, too.
Oh, and by the way, I did win Eleven Before One. So I guess something good did come out of it, even if Irish Shottie paid the ultimate price. *Wipes tear from eye* You will not be forgotten, my friend.
Oh hey, you're back. Thanks for staying with me.
So what makes me go 'mmm' today, I know you're dying to find out. Well, they're little, they're round and they're the lighter way to enjoy chocolate.
Yuh-huh, I'm talking about Maltesers. The fire engine red packaging brags about these little babies as being 'crisp malt centres covered with smooth milk chocolate'. And you know what? It's true. That's exactly how I'd describe Malteser chocolate. Not like those Snickers bars -- the chocolate on that bitch isn't all that smooth. If we're talking smooth here, Maltesers are Frank Sinatra, and Snickers are that weird guy from Guns N' Roses who wears the KFC bucket on his head.
Having just eaten a packet of Maltesers, I've noticed a thing or two. (Or three; I haven't, like, counted or anything.) There are a number of ways to eat these little balls of crispified heaven. And oh yes, I'll go there. That's what I do.
There's the Chew, which basically involves chewing and swallowing, but that's not really my style. It's kind-of impersonal. It's like saying, "Let's just get through this bitch as quickly as possible." And then what? Roll over and go to sleep without snuggling? I don't think so. Respect your food.
Then there's the Peel, which involves peeling ("hey, so that's where she got the name for this technique!") the layer of chocolate off the malt ball with your teeth. It sounds complicated, but it's not. Those of you who are eating Maltesers right now could be doing it and not even realising. It's methodical, but the downside to it is that you're separating the taste sensations of the Malteser and never really getting to enjoy the combination of both the chocolate and the malt together.
Then there's what I believe is my personal favourite, the Savour. It involves sucking all that Frank Sinatra chocolate off the Malteser, then letting the malt sort-of melt in your mouth. It's combining the best of the Chew and Peel worlds, because when sucking off the chocolate, some of it melts into the malt, letting you enjoy both elements -- and boy, do they work harmoniously together.
If anyone's still reading this, I congratulate you, because all I did was talk about the fine art of eating Maltesers the entire time. It wasn't particularly thrilling, but hey -- that's me.
I have an addiction. I'm a junk food addict, and an exercise whatever-the-opposite-of-addict-is. It's a combination that by rights should make me look like a cross between Augustus Gloop and the mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape, but I must have one kickass metabolism, because all the carbs and sugar I've been consuming lately seems to disappear into thin air.My fear is that it's not gone; it's just in storage. In a few years, said kickass metabolism will slow down (or maybe kill itself, what will all the pressure I'm putting on it and everything) and I'll balloon out and end up looking like Jan from Grease. Ugh, perish the thought.
So I'd like to introduce you to a new segment in Lo-Town (at least, newer than the last two) -- Things That Make Me Go 'Mmm'. Those of you who've lived at least, um, five years or so may remember that used to be the slogan for McDonald's back before it got douchey and 'health-conscious' (scoff), and it's also a pretty kickass song by C&C Music Factory.
Actually, according to my iTunes, that song is actually 'Things That Make You Go Hmm', but since that's completely beyond my original point, this sentence is so over. And since technically I'm introducing you to another segment, this post is so over. See you on the other side...
Firstly, to my random quote of the day:
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it." --Ferris Bueller
(This is one of my all-time favourite quotes of all time from one of my all-time favourite films of all time. It was my yearbook quote, too, except the monkey on the yearbook committee actually typed it up wrong, so it actually said, "...you could miss out." I was quite cut up about it for a while, until I accepted the fact that it did pretty much have the same sentiment -- and at least they didn't fuck it up too badly and it didn't say, "...you could miss cattle.")
Now, back to my What's Grinding My Gears post. By the way, this is pretty much where I'd like to discuss things that 'grind my gears', or that annoy me...in the way Monica from Friends annoys animals dressed as humans. (That doesn't annoy me too much, although I think Paris Hilton putting heels on her dog is going a little far.)
For some bizarre reason, there's a plethora of relatively attractive women in movies and TV shows who for some reason are constantly degraded by the other characters. Sometimes for good reason -- Patty and Selma of Simpsons fame, for example. They're pretty horrid. I get that. (Although why Homer Simpson feels like he is able to pass judgement of anyone is beyond me.)
But the laydeez I'm talking about aren't overly horrid creatures. They're not that weird. And yet, they're put down and denigrated by these other, seemingly higher-quality people. Here is a prime example of exactly what I'm talking about:Jan from Grease
Okay, let's just get this out in the open -- Jan's weird. Yeah, alright, I'll give you that one, Rydell High students. She's an odd duck. She's a little scary. But these greasers and these teen queens are, for no apparent reason, under the impression that Jan is fat. For those of you who've never seen Grease, seek help immediately. Wait, that's not what I wanted to say, let's just try that again. For those of you who've never seen Grease, here's who this is what big fat Jan looks like:
My God. What a cow. I'm surprised anyone hangs around with big fat Jan. I'm surprised anyone calls her by her name, 'cause if I went to school with someone that looked like that, I'd just scream out, "Hey, Fatty Fat Fat-Fat!"
Am I the only one who doesn't see it? Do I have some sort of body dismorphia that only affects my view of other peoples' bodies? JAN'S NOT FAT! She's not even a little bit chubby. What sort of emaciated skanks has Putzie been hanging out with previously that makes him think Jan's a wide load? But fear not. Putzie also makes it clear that "there's more to you than just fat." Not a compliment. If he sees fat and there's no fat, everything else he sees in her is probably nonexistent as well. "Oh Jan, you have the greatest sense of humour, and you're so sweet and caring. And I love your gorgeous blonde hair."
I'm a simple gal, with simple tastes. There's nothing particularly interesting about me, certainly nothing that warrants me having my own blog. But this is the noughties. The whole point of the internet is to make unimportant people to feel like they're important. I'm tired of being unimportant, dammit! Where's the respect?
So to welcome you to Lo-Town, I've come up with a list. A list of random things about me that will have very little effect on your life, but they're kind-of all I have, so at least feign some interest.
1. I'm Australian -- you know, that sunny little country way down there? That's my home. It's a pretty nice place to live; I have everything I need -- friends to keep me amused, family to keep me in a constant state of irritation, and cafes to keep my sanity levels nice and even. Which is a brilliant segue to #2.
2. I'm a caffeine addict. I love my coffee, it flows through my veins. Anyone whe's seen me in the morning before I meet my cup of Nescafe...well, they kind-of don't like me. But I'm okay with that, because before my coffee, I sure as hell don't like them either.
3. I often think what life would be like if we all lived in Walt Disney's world. It'd actually be pretty awesome. We'd all randomly break into song, we'd be able to fall down rabbit holes into worlds of pure imagination, we'd have magic carpets with cute little personalities who fight with our monkeys. It'd be super-dooper funsies...except in the world of Disney, they still shoot deers.
4. I like pop culture. It's cool. Movies, TV, music...whatev. And you'll know all about it, because I also like talking about pop culture. I have an opinion about everything, and my opinion is always right. You can feel free to argue with me, but you're wrong, and somewhere deep down, you know it.
5. I'm overly competitive. It's a sickness. I have to win all the time, and if I know I'm not going to, I just won't participate. Because I'm that sore a loser. Also, as an Aussie, I love my Aussie Rules Footy. It's only the bestest, most exciting sport on the planet, and while once it fulfilled my need-to-win tendencies (I'm a West Coast Eagles supporter, for those of you playing at home), I've seen some dark times. Things aren't looking quite as bleak this year, though.
6. My favourite band is the Dropkick Murphys, fine Boston punk rock band. If I had to describe them in one word, that word would be 'raucus', simply because I don't use that word often enough. For those of you who don't know DKM, please do the following: go to your DVD cabinet, get that copy of The Departed everyone ought to own and listen to all the songs carefully. You know that really, really cool punky Irish one you keep hearing? That's them. Alternatively, for those of you living in the merry old land of Oz, that song is also on the new AFL ads, the ones where they players are playing football on all different sorts of sporting arenas. Listen to it, live it, love it.
and to cut an extremely long story sort, I'll end with number seven ('cause it's a heavenly-sounding number)...
7. I have spelling and grammar OCD. I can't help it. I know I have a problem, but it just won't go away. What really annoys me is when people use words in the wrong context, even though I'm positive I do it at least seven times a day. Which reminds me--
8. I'm also a hypocrite.