So I was trolling the net the other day for Beverly Hills 90210 news (how sad my life seems when I put it into words like that) when I found something fabulous. Something fabulouser than fabulous. Something that has to be seen to be believed:
90210 has a porn parody.
So what to make of this fine piece of filmic art? Well, I can't be sure, since I didn't actually watch the feature presentation. Because really, you guys, I have better things to spend my money on that 90210 porn. Granted, I'm curious, and if I had found a site offering to let me view it for free, this might be a wholly different type of blog post. But I didn't. And it's not. The only thing I really have to go on is the above trailer. And you know what, people? It's 137 different kinds of blow-your-mind amazing.
For one, there's the plot. Oh yeah, there's a plot. (Ish.) All of the best pornos have a plot. Even the worst ones kinda do, if you count pizza delivery boning as a plot. Unfortunately for the fans who are looking for the obvious hook-up, there is no Brandon/Dylan lovin'. I know, I know. Look, just because it's not in the porno doesn't mean it didn't happen, okay? It's practically canon.
Things I noticed from the trailer:
There is no Porn Kelly. There's a Porn Jake, but no Porn Kelly. Tell me, porn enthusiasts, isn't it sort-of counterintuitive to replace one of the prettier female characters with another male? Isn't the main idea of porn supposed to be a "more girls the merrier" type of thing? Perhaps in the early drafts, Porn Brandon and Porn Dylan were too busy fucking one another to service the ladies, so they had to bring in a ringer. I don't know. Why not at least call him Porn David Silver, though? And for the love of God, what is he doing with his nipple, and why does he think that's even the least bit appropriate?
Porn Jim Walsh gets the job of deflowering Porn Donna Martin. Think about how disgusting that is for a second. Jim Walsh, the part-man part-Yeti out of whose loins Brenda and Brandon were created, going straight nuts inside Donna Martin's sacred birth canal? There is really no room for this kind of thing in polite society. Even impolite society would find this somewhat distasteful.
There is at least one scene in which Porn Brenda and Porn Dylan are in Mexico. (As evidenced by them drinking margaritas while two men behind them are dressed in sombreros.) Which means that whoever wrote this screenplay has at least seen some actual 90210, not just the starting credits. I find this ability to stay true to the original subject material somewhat fascinating, considering that during another part of the movie, PORN DONNA AND PORN JIM SCREW EACH OTHER'S BRAINS OUT.
Andrea Zuckerman works at a sex shop, and she and Steve appear to do it on the counter. Which, considering their probable clientele, doesn't seem sanitary at all. I can't imagine the real Ahhhndrea ever doing it on the counter of anything, let alone a store that sells something called an "anal pleasure kit."
Things they got right:
The white background part of the credits. Porn Donna is even wearing the famous pink number and being picked up by Porn Steve! (With leg support from Porn Andrea!) And at the end, Porn Donna and Porn Brenda high-five one another! This is called commitment, people.
The "in stereo where available" graphic at the bottom of the screen. Say what you want about pornography being a cheap, pale imitation of the real art of film -- someone really went out of their way to make sure this looked as close to the original opening credits as they could. It's a completely pointless detail that was included for no other reason than to make the true fans smile. And you know what, faceless porno graphics nerd? It did. Almost as much as...
Porn Brandon. Everything about Porn Brandon is right, from his hair to his T-shirt to his over-the-sunglasses smouldering stare. You go, Porn Brandon. I like you just a little bit better than Actual Brandon.
Porn Brenda. I've yet to be convinced that this isn't actually Shannen Doherty using a porn alias. If it turns out that her first cat was called Madison and she used to live on Ivy Street, I'm taking this shiz to Perez.
Porn Dylan's "look" right here. He doesn't look anything like Actual Dylan, but check out his forehead wrinkles. There's no reason he'd be making that face except for the purpose of making fun of Actual Dylan's old age. I love that he made time to have a sense of humour in between boning Porn Brenda in Mexico and doing God-knows-what with Porn Brandon at the Peach Pit after closing hours.
Things they got wrong:
Porn Steve. Just...Porn Steve. I can't think of any other methods of dyeing hair that colour except mixing a hundred packets of the Easy Mac cheese flavouring in a huge bowl and literally painting his head with it. Also, he looks like someone put Vince Vaughn and Tom Hanks in a microwave for ten minutes on high, and this was the odd, smiling result of an experiment that should never have been attempted in the first place.
If you enjoyed This Ain't Beverly Hills, 90210 as much as I did, well, you're in luck. Next time, I'll be reviewing the strangely faithful and completely out-of-this world The Breakfast Club -- A XXX Parody. Hopefully I can find the whole thing, but if not, the trailer is even more detailed that the 90210 porno.